I’VE BEEN REBUILDING

Something happened several months ago. The weight of it fell down over me very slowly, in a way so that I hardly noticed it until I was collapsing underneath it.

I got this letter from an insurance company telling me that they were denying my appeal for Long Term Disability benefits, just as they denied my original claim. Among the reasons they cited for doing so were mentions of my social media accounts, quotes from live videos I’d posted, and references even to my blog.

“If she can blog, she can work. If she can write a book, she can work. If she’s being paid to write articles, she can work.”

Nevermind that I do all of those things laying on my back on the couch, which they conveniently left out. Or that I can only sit upright for three hours a day, which I assure you I’ve spoken to several times on my social media… they painted me in the worst light possible to pursue their end-goal:

Never pay out these fucking benefits, even though the pain and suffering this woman has experienced are more than we could ever personally bear or survive, deny her at all costs, fight her until she gives up.

As much as I wanted to say that I shrugged it off and knew that I wasn’t doing anything wrong… As much as I wanted to believe and tell others that there was nothing wrong with me living any kind of life off the couch, having any kind of relief from the pain and crippling anxiety and depression, and allowing myself to have a positive mindset and — dare I say it — happiness… as much as I wanted to say and believe all of that, I let them get into my head.

I started shrinking back inside myself. I sat uninspired to write a blog for months. I stopped releasing excerpts and things from my book on social media like I had been. I started going live on Facebook less and less, until I eventually stopped all-together.

I let them stifle me and question myself.
I allowed myself to feel shame based on other people’s words about me.
Words slanted by greed and toeing the company line.
I wasted a lot of time.

DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Around about October, I knew something had to change.
I needed a fresh start.
I needed to get ready to launch my book.
I needed to take the podcast to the next level.
I needed to stop living in fear.

So, I hired the baddest bitches I could think of to help me nail down what I wanted to be doing with my life and future. I created a new website (Welcome!) I stayed laser-focused on the podcast and finished drafting the manuscript for my book. I kept moving everything forward one day at a time, one checklist at a time, one task at a time.

Above all else, I focused on my physical health goals and pushing doctors to work with me to define what has been happening with my body and how to treat my pain long-term and in a way that would significantly improve my quality of life. (It appears I may have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, or CRPS, though the diagnosis is not yet official.)

I also kept busting my ass in my rehabilitative workouts in the pool and with my personal trainer.
I dropped 9 inches from August to October, from my waist, chest, and hips.
My blood pressure is down to 130/80 from numbers like 170/80 and 180/90 in 2017 and early 2018.
I’m down from 289 lbs in December 2017 to 243 lbs as I write this.

MECHANERDZILLA

On Friday, December 16, 2018 I will receive a temporary implant of the Boston Scientific Precision Spectra dorsal column spinal cord stimulator. My doctors have determined that this is my best option for long-term and sustainable relief from pain and the best way for me to get quality of life back. I am very excited and hopeful about the results.

In a nutshell, this device uses electrical pulses to overstimulate and area of my spinal cord to interrupt the pain signals as they travel from my left leg to my brain, thereby removing the sensation of pain and replacing it with a slight tingling sensation. It’s all very

I will wear the temporary implant for five days, and pending a successful trial, I will have my permanent implant done on December 26.

WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

As I post this blog and launch this website for the whole world to see, and as the pre-sales for my autobiography have now gone live, I am stepping intentionally into my future and punching fear in the tits.

I am unapologetically choosing the future I deserve, striving to reach my wildest goals and dreams, and taking my power back from those assclowns at the insurance company.

Thank you for joining me.
Thank you for indulging me.
Thank you for supporting me.